I asked, "Why the hell not?"
He gently responded, "Take it slow. Accept that you are better."
Two concussions in less than a year later, I'm over taking it slow. I've laid like a blob for the past three-and-a-half months in a dark room with the blinds down, curtains closed, and no electronics. (Sigh) I've taken time to ponder, reflect, create new goals, dream bigger dreams, and question every ounce of my existence. I've been socially stripped bare to where I resorted to talking to walls, the dogs, and my saving grace, a smiley face balloon.
I've spent the past few months beating myself up for not being able to do simple crap.
I've nagged at myself for not being able to paint our new house, create curb appeal, tend to I Admire U, follow-up on emails, join events, help friends, help my family, meet our new neighbors, make new friends, make a difference in our new community, explore our new community, plan new workshops, and oh yeah, for gaining weight and looking a hot mess.
My husband, my doctor, my friends, and my family told me consistently give myself time.
They all said, "Don't be so hard on yourself."
I counteracted their encouragement with doubt and my intense fear of missing out (FOMO).
Two days ago, I was fully released. After being released I spent an entire day alone. Happy. Grateful. I noticed an elderly man pushing his bike up a hill, followed by a 3-legged dog walking with a smile. That was my moment of clarity.
Today, I choose to live that moment. Screw it,
I choose to accept myself.
I choose to accept that our house looks exactly the way it does when we bought it. Screw it! We have decades to get 'er done. I mean who doesn't like fluorescent lighting?
I choose to accept that we don't know the names of our neighbors and that I only have one friend so far. Screw it! Valerie is awesome and our neighbors aren't going anywhere.
I choose to accept I'm squishy and weening from a sugar addiction. Screw it! The stuff tasted good, and I have all summer long to get sexy.
I choose to accept that I was insanely sensitive and said stupid crap to people I love and was selfish and forgot to ask people how they were doing. Screw it! Crap got dark. If they allow me, I'll enjoy showing them my love for a lifetime.
I choose to accept that I missed out on making memories with my family and playing everyday with our son. Screw it! We have tons of fun planned: camping trips, lake walks, fishing, wagon adventures, beach trips, and daily random fun.
I choose to accept that I missed out on a lot of fun bonding with my crew of friends, and that even without a concussion, I will never be available at 3 p.m. for a park play date. Screw it! I will enjoy the time I do have free, be grateful for every thoughtful invitation, and enjoy the new chapter of life our family is in.
I choose to accept that I am so tired after 4 hours that I have no energy to stay up to post incredibly awesome social media posts and write inspiring interviews. Screw it! I'm an everyday woman who faced a very serious injury and there is plenty of time to celebrate more inspiring women.
It has been a loooooong vulnerable journey. Screw it! I choose to accept myself.