Family & Relationships
Tamar Fox
Philadelphia, PA
Tamar is continuing a beautiful legacy her grandfather started, to care and love for a child as a foster parent. Tamar and her husband have welcomed two foster children into their home. Her point-of-view on foster care and transracial parenting is one everyone should take notice of. She challenges people to stand up and help. She shares insights on foster care that will leave anyone that will take a second to listen to her, inspired and in complete awe. When she’s not making a difference in a young child’s life, she is a talented writer with a powerful voice tackling topics in and around the Jewish community and an elected official in Philadelphia. The way she won her election, by one vote and with a lot of heart and fight is a story one could never make up. Tamar, I admire how you want to see change, so therefore you are change.
Tamar in her own words...
1. You are a triple dose of inspiration. You are a writer, an elected official, and a foster parent. What is the story behind you becoming a foster parent?
I became a foster parent because my grandfather was saved from the Holocaust by a British foster family. My mother really felt that legacy and when she and my dad were newlyweds they were acted as foster parents to two teenage Vietnamese refugees. My mom died when I was in my early twenties but I really felt that legacy of reaching out to families and children that are going through a scary time. Honestly, I didn’t expect it to be as hard or as eye-opening as it has been.
2. Great job mama! Your first foster daughter, now two-years old, has been reunited with her mom. What was it like to say goodbye?
People always ask me about saying goodbye to my foster daughter and how hard that was, and people love to say they could never do it. I like to tell people that actually it was a lot less hard than I expected. I was really happy that she gets to grow up with her mom, who loves her so much and worked so hard for her daughter. There was some altruism in what I did, but I’m not a martyr and I don’t think you have to be (or even should be) to foster.
I became a foster parent because my grandfather was saved from the Holocaust by a British foster family. My mother really felt that legacy and when she and my dad were newlyweds they were acted as foster parents to two teenage Vietnamese refugees. My mom died when I was in my early twenties but I really felt that legacy of reaching out to families and children that are going through a scary time. Honestly, I didn’t expect it to be as hard or as eye-opening as it has been.
2. Great job mama! Your first foster daughter, now two-years old, has been reunited with her mom. What was it like to say goodbye?
People always ask me about saying goodbye to my foster daughter and how hard that was, and people love to say they could never do it. I like to tell people that actually it was a lot less hard than I expected. I was really happy that she gets to grow up with her mom, who loves her so much and worked so hard for her daughter. There was some altruism in what I did, but I’m not a martyr and I don’t think you have to be (or even should be) to foster.
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3. You are currently fostering your second child, a one-year old girl. How does the first time differ from the second? Why was it important for you to foster again?
Well, our first foster daughter (Dafna—not her real name, but the codename we use for her) is the cousin of our current foster daughter (Adira, also not her real name). After Dafna was reunited with her mom, the family asked if we would foster Adira, and we said of course. Adira’s mom has had some bigger challenges than Dafna’s mom, and she is really focusing on trying to get herself together these days. Anything could still happen, but it looks like we will probably end up adopting Adira, so that has been a really big difference. In the meantime, we are working hard to support Adira’s mom as much as we can, because no matter what goes down we really care about her, and she is important to us. It has been a big learning experience for everyone, but it’s totally worth it.
4. Motherhood shifts perspectives. How has motherhood changed your take on humanity?
With our first foster daughter we became really close with her and her mom and that relationship really changed my thinking on so many issues. It opened my eyes to so many issues around class and race that I knew about but hadn’t really interacted with up close until I became a foster parent. So now I’m a part of a bunch of anti-racist groups and communities, and I’m thinking about lots of big and small ways to really improve the world of foster care.
"It opened my eyes to so many issues around class and race that I knew about but hadn’t really interacted with up close until I became a foster parent. So now I’m a part of a bunch of anti-racist groups and communities, and I’m thinking about lots of big and small ways to really improve the world of foster care."
5. How does being a member of “a bunch of anti-racial groups and communities” impact your parenting?
In lots of big and small ways. I’m part of a facebook group about hair and skincare for kids of color being raised by white parents, and I’m learning so so much about what’s culturally appropriate for Adira’s hair, and how to keep her hair really healthy. That has been pretty eye-opening, and it’s how I learned how to cornrow (I’m not great yet, but improving very quickly) and other important tricks. In one of my anti-racist groups we have talked a lot about playground dynamics and how racism can play out (mostly among parents) on playgrounds, so I’m looking at playgrounds in new ways, and trying to be really thoughtful and intentional about bringing anti-racism to playgrounds, recently.
6. You shared this bold statement, “If bougie middle-class people like me brought some of the enthusiasm we have for, like, cold brew coffee, to actually fixing the f*&%$@ up racist child-welfare system in this country…well, that would be amazing.” What do you think the first step is to moving the needle on this issue?
The world needs more strong, smart, loving foster parents who are really willing to love kids and go to bat for them. For whatever reason it’s not something that a lot of middle class people consider doing, but it should be. And it’s doable. The other thing I’d say is that foster care is almost always linked with poverty or addiction or both. Those are both issues that don’t get talked about much in my circles, and we really need people pressuring their elected officials to create programs and add benefits for people in poverty and people living with addiction.
In lots of big and small ways. I’m part of a facebook group about hair and skincare for kids of color being raised by white parents, and I’m learning so so much about what’s culturally appropriate for Adira’s hair, and how to keep her hair really healthy. That has been pretty eye-opening, and it’s how I learned how to cornrow (I’m not great yet, but improving very quickly) and other important tricks. In one of my anti-racist groups we have talked a lot about playground dynamics and how racism can play out (mostly among parents) on playgrounds, so I’m looking at playgrounds in new ways, and trying to be really thoughtful and intentional about bringing anti-racism to playgrounds, recently.
6. You shared this bold statement, “If bougie middle-class people like me brought some of the enthusiasm we have for, like, cold brew coffee, to actually fixing the f*&%$@ up racist child-welfare system in this country…well, that would be amazing.” What do you think the first step is to moving the needle on this issue?
The world needs more strong, smart, loving foster parents who are really willing to love kids and go to bat for them. For whatever reason it’s not something that a lot of middle class people consider doing, but it should be. And it’s doable. The other thing I’d say is that foster care is almost always linked with poverty or addiction or both. Those are both issues that don’t get talked about much in my circles, and we really need people pressuring their elected officials to create programs and add benefits for people in poverty and people living with addiction.
7. You are badass. You got frustrated with issues that weren’t being addressed in your community, so you ran for office, and won! That is craziness! How does that even happen?
I’m really lucky to live in an awesome friendly and integrated neighborhood. There’s a lot of concern about gentrification in our area, as well as concerns about safety, cleanliness, and normal neighborhood issues (parking, trash collection, etc.). I noticed a lot of people were talking about how there’s nothing we can do about this, and then I read a blog post about how easy it is to become a city committeeperson, and how few of them are women or minorities. I figured I could run, and then speak out on the issues that people in my community are worried about. I got really lucky that my division happened to be the exact route that I walk my dog four times a day, so by the time I ran I already was familiar with lots of the people I would be representing, and felt comfortable talking to them and asking for their vote. I ended up winning by one vote, and was asked to be secretary of the ward. It’s been a really great experience, and has made me think a lot about running for office down the line.
8. What is it like being a city committee person in the 30th ward, 10th division of Philly? What do you hope your legacy will be?
The biggest perk is getting to meet almost all the candidates before voting for them. We have a ward meeting and we ask them all questions and it’s pretty clear who knows what’s what and who really doesn’t. Civil forfeiture is a big issue in Philly, and I asked all the mayoral candidates what they thought about it. Two of them didn’t know what it was! So, that was pretty amazing. I don’t know that I’ll have any kind of legacy, but if I do I would love for it to be representing my constituents, and making our neighborhood a safe, healthy, and diverse place.
"In one of my anti-racist groups we have talked a lot about playground dynamics and how racism can play out (mostly among parents) on playgrounds, so I’m looking at playgrounds in new ways, and trying to be really thoughtful and intentional about bringing anti-racism to playgrounds, recently."
9. You are a difference-maker. What nugget of advice would you share with someone who wants to see change, be change; yet is overcome by circumstances?
Such a good question! I think so much of the time people say, “Reach for the stars,” but don’t realize just how unrealistic (and unhelpful) that can be. So I would say, organize the people around you first. Then try going one step out of your community and bringing those people in. And when you have a little momentum (and really, you only need a little) start calling your elected officials (the more local the better) and ask for a meeting to discuss the issue you’re passionate about. It’s doable. But most importantly: vote! If you want change, you need to vote for change.
10. I’m curious, what’s next for you?
I’m trying to use my role as an elected official and a writer to work on dealing with some of the ridiculous things I see in the foster system. My big thing I’m working on now is writing a proposal for a website that would give important information to prospective foster and adoptive parents. Because fostering is really different state to state, it’s really hard to find good information online for any one state, let alone all of them.
Such a good question! I think so much of the time people say, “Reach for the stars,” but don’t realize just how unrealistic (and unhelpful) that can be. So I would say, organize the people around you first. Then try going one step out of your community and bringing those people in. And when you have a little momentum (and really, you only need a little) start calling your elected officials (the more local the better) and ask for a meeting to discuss the issue you’re passionate about. It’s doable. But most importantly: vote! If you want change, you need to vote for change.
10. I’m curious, what’s next for you?
I’m trying to use my role as an elected official and a writer to work on dealing with some of the ridiculous things I see in the foster system. My big thing I’m working on now is writing a proposal for a website that would give important information to prospective foster and adoptive parents. Because fostering is really different state to state, it’s really hard to find good information online for any one state, let alone all of them.
"So I would say, organize the people around you first. Then try going one step out of your community and bringing those people in. And when you have a little momentum (and really, you only need a little) start calling your elected officials (the more local the better) and ask for a meeting to discuss the issue you’re passionate about."
11. I Admire U, who do you admire?
Amy Guth, friend extraordinaire and general badass woman that I love. She admired me, and conveniently I admire her so so much, too. Also, Kaytee Ray-Riek. Kaytee is an AMAZING organizer for progressive causes. She has worked professionally for SumofUs countering corporate abuses of power, and UltraViolet for women’s issues. She has also done lots of work for ACT UP, and other GLBTQ groups, and cares a lot about changing the culture in non-profit orgs to be more supportive and welcoming of minority and GLBTQ people, so those people can be hired and part of the pipeline. Kaytee and her partner Max also train CCI puppies, meaning they take puppies at 8 weeks old and train them to be service animals. It’s a huge amount of work, and they are amazing at it. Progressive politics AND puppies? Swoon!
Amy Guth, friend extraordinaire and general badass woman that I love. She admired me, and conveniently I admire her so so much, too. Also, Kaytee Ray-Riek. Kaytee is an AMAZING organizer for progressive causes. She has worked professionally for SumofUs countering corporate abuses of power, and UltraViolet for women’s issues. She has also done lots of work for ACT UP, and other GLBTQ groups, and cares a lot about changing the culture in non-profit orgs to be more supportive and welcoming of minority and GLBTQ people, so those people can be hired and part of the pipeline. Kaytee and her partner Max also train CCI puppies, meaning they take puppies at 8 weeks old and train them to be service animals. It’s a huge amount of work, and they are amazing at it. Progressive politics AND puppies? Swoon!
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