Family & Relationships
Kelley Kitley
in Oak Park, IL
Growing up living above her family's bar, Kelley Kitley was surrounded by alcohol and addiction. Kelley had her first drink at age 12 and continued to abuse alcohol throughout high school, college, and into her 20’s and early 30’s. After 20 years of trying to manage and control her drinking, she had a spiritual moment with a friend she grew up drinking with. She joined a support group and has now been sober for three years. Kelley is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 11 years, opening her practice Serendipitous Psychotherapy in May. She is also releasing her self-help/memoir The Adventures of Recovery: A mother and psychotherapist’s journey through healing and guiding this summer. As an Expert Resident for The Bump Club and Beyond and a mother who experienced postpartum, Kelley helps educate women on the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression. I Admire U Kelley for choosing to break the cycle of addiction and sharing your story to inspire other women to change.
Kelley in her own words...
1. You shared, “My maternal grandmother loved her boxed wine and cigarettes and was a daily drinker even though my grandfather was a cardiologist. My maternal uncle and mother have been in recovery for over 20 years. I have a few cousins in the program too.” On top of this, your parents own a bar. What does your family think of you breaking the cycle of addiction?
My husband and I both come from large families. Anytime someone makes a major life change it’s natural for everyone in the family unit to be affected and maybe even question their own behaviors. I can’t generalize reactions from my family as a whole. Some were really supportive. Initially, most people were shocked. Many thought I was being too hard on myself or extreme. I didn’t look like the problem drinkers we knew. The longer I refrained from drinking the more family embraced my sobriety as my new normal. I try to be a living example of making changes for a more peaceful life. For that they are proud.
2. What were some defining moments you experienced on your journey of healing?
After 20 years of trying to manage and control my drinking I had a spiritual awakening with a friend of mine I grew up drinking with. We often called each other the next day to piece back the evening prior. In January 2013, she hit rock bottom and started going to a support group. For 2 months, I observed her appearing more at peace and having clarity. I wanted something she had. In early March, we were leaving an exercise class together and as we walked to our cars, I asked how things were going for her. She seemed so positive and optimistic and shared her experience with me. I started crying and it began pouring rain. I told her I was sick and tired of my life with alcohol. Gently, she asked if I wanted to go to a women’s meeting with her that week. Unsure if I was really going to stop drinking, I went. It felt like home. I was comfortable in my own skin, related, and felt like I belonged. March 10, it will be 3 years.
My husband and I both come from large families. Anytime someone makes a major life change it’s natural for everyone in the family unit to be affected and maybe even question their own behaviors. I can’t generalize reactions from my family as a whole. Some were really supportive. Initially, most people were shocked. Many thought I was being too hard on myself or extreme. I didn’t look like the problem drinkers we knew. The longer I refrained from drinking the more family embraced my sobriety as my new normal. I try to be a living example of making changes for a more peaceful life. For that they are proud.
2. What were some defining moments you experienced on your journey of healing?
After 20 years of trying to manage and control my drinking I had a spiritual awakening with a friend of mine I grew up drinking with. We often called each other the next day to piece back the evening prior. In January 2013, she hit rock bottom and started going to a support group. For 2 months, I observed her appearing more at peace and having clarity. I wanted something she had. In early March, we were leaving an exercise class together and as we walked to our cars, I asked how things were going for her. She seemed so positive and optimistic and shared her experience with me. I started crying and it began pouring rain. I told her I was sick and tired of my life with alcohol. Gently, she asked if I wanted to go to a women’s meeting with her that week. Unsure if I was really going to stop drinking, I went. It felt like home. I was comfortable in my own skin, related, and felt like I belonged. March 10, it will be 3 years.
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3. Three years of sobriety is huge! Congratulations! What nuggets of wisdom would you share with someone who is leery of joining a support group? With addiction still prevalent in your family, how do you maintain strength and resist temptation during family gatherings and holidays?
Keep an open mind. I’ve heard people stereotype alcohol support groups as old homeless men who smoke cigarettes. There isn’t a “type” who is immune to alcoholism and addiction. We’re a colorful group. Everyone’s story is different and someone’s story is worse which made me ask myself, was I really that bad? The similarity is we all have a desire to stop drinking.
I’m frequently around people who drink. I grew up above our parents bar so socializing with drinkers is familiar whether I’m participating or not. Events like holidays and weddings are a bigger deal. I make sure to keep in close contact with my sponsor, other program people, take more bathroom breaks for a deep breathe, and play the mental tape forward of what the end of the night used to look like for me rather than fantasize about what the first drink tasted like.
4. You have been married for over eleven years and are the proud mom of four beautiful kids. In what ways has breaking the cycle affected your marriage and motherhood?
The first year was a challenge but if I continued drinking the way I did the consequences could have been worse. My children are genetically predisposed to addiction due to the genes I’ve passed down (nature) I’ve changed the environment they will grow up in by being sober (nurture.) I cannot be the wife, mother, psychotherapist, sister, daughter, friend I aspire to be if alcohol is part of the picture. I’m grateful for my sobriety on a daily basis. Relapse can be part of the story for many people in recovery. It can’t be part of mine. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about doing the best I can.
Keep an open mind. I’ve heard people stereotype alcohol support groups as old homeless men who smoke cigarettes. There isn’t a “type” who is immune to alcoholism and addiction. We’re a colorful group. Everyone’s story is different and someone’s story is worse which made me ask myself, was I really that bad? The similarity is we all have a desire to stop drinking.
I’m frequently around people who drink. I grew up above our parents bar so socializing with drinkers is familiar whether I’m participating or not. Events like holidays and weddings are a bigger deal. I make sure to keep in close contact with my sponsor, other program people, take more bathroom breaks for a deep breathe, and play the mental tape forward of what the end of the night used to look like for me rather than fantasize about what the first drink tasted like.
4. You have been married for over eleven years and are the proud mom of four beautiful kids. In what ways has breaking the cycle affected your marriage and motherhood?
The first year was a challenge but if I continued drinking the way I did the consequences could have been worse. My children are genetically predisposed to addiction due to the genes I’ve passed down (nature) I’ve changed the environment they will grow up in by being sober (nurture.) I cannot be the wife, mother, psychotherapist, sister, daughter, friend I aspire to be if alcohol is part of the picture. I’m grateful for my sobriety on a daily basis. Relapse can be part of the story for many people in recovery. It can’t be part of mine. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about doing the best I can.
"The longer I refrained from drinking the more family embraced my sobriety as my new normal."
5. You blacked out after your first drink at the age of twelve. What nuggets of wisdom will you share with your kids on substance use?
My kids know I stopped drinking and go to meetings. I attend a 6:30 meeting on Sunday mornings and they have a big breakfast and Sunday morning movie with dad. It’s important to me that they are aware of the risks but I don’t want them to be fearful. I’ve told them I’m allergic to alcohol and I don’t like the way I behave when I drink.
6. Connect the dots, you studied addiction in graduate school and interned at a treatment facility. How did you go from binge drinking into your 30’s to helping others as a Therapist for over eleven years?
Well…interesting enough after I graduated I worked with women recovering from eating disorders and sexual trauma. I convinced myself I didn’t have a problem with alcohol and rationalized drinking like most 20 somethings. I was high functioning and didn’t think my drinking affected my work. (Although, I’m sure my hangovers did.) Once I got sober, I started having an influx of women on my caseload who were seeing me to evaluate their destructive drinking patterns. SERENDIPITY
7. In what two ways do you think your past addiction positively impacts the work you do at SERENDIPITIOUS PSYCHOTHERAPY, LLC?
When I was 16 I was treated by an individual therapist on Michigan Ave. for an eating disorder. It was transformative. I said to myself, someday… I want to be a therapist on Michigan Ave. and help others. I’m living that dream because of my first experience with addiction. Over the past 20 years, I’ve recovered from sexual assault trauma, postpartum anxiety and panic, and substance abuse. My life has given me painful yet versatile experiences that allow me to have deep empathy and practical solutions for my clients. I’ve been fortunate enough to have incredible professional training but I’ve learned the most about myself and others through adversity.
8. You speak professionally to different audiences about your journey. What do you hope the people that hear your story take away? What testimony has touched you the most?
My hope is that I inspire people to OWN their stories and not be ashamed of them. Every experience shapes who we are. We are not broken, but we all need help. We can’t survive on our own. I speak at events where people in the audience may be in the throws of postpartum depression, addiction, or struggling with mental health issues. My desire is to encourage them to be brave and seek professional help to begin the healing process.
When I was 16 I was treated by an individual therapist on Michigan Ave. for an eating disorder. It was transformative. I said to myself, someday… I want to be a therapist on Michigan Ave. and help others. I’m living that dream because of my first experience with addiction. Over the past 20 years, I’ve recovered from sexual assault trauma, postpartum anxiety and panic, and substance abuse. My life has given me painful yet versatile experiences that allow me to have deep empathy and practical solutions for my clients. I’ve been fortunate enough to have incredible professional training but I’ve learned the most about myself and others through adversity.
8. You speak professionally to different audiences about your journey. What do you hope the people that hear your story take away? What testimony has touched you the most?
My hope is that I inspire people to OWN their stories and not be ashamed of them. Every experience shapes who we are. We are not broken, but we all need help. We can’t survive on our own. I speak at events where people in the audience may be in the throws of postpartum depression, addiction, or struggling with mental health issues. My desire is to encourage them to be brave and seek professional help to begin the healing process.
"I’ve heard people stereotype alcohol support groups as old homeless men who smoke cigarettes. There isn’t a “type” who is immune to alcoholism and addiction. We’re a colorful group."
9. For twenty years you chose to give up drinking for forty days of Lent, every January and during your marathon trainings. Do you still run marathons?
I’ve found an easier softer way with exercise. I have a spinning bike and yoga mat in my office or hit a 30 minute workout in the basement with my kids crawling all over me. Although, I committed to running a Hawaii marathon with my influential sober friend mentioned above for our 40th Birthday. I anticipate it being a more enjoyable race, one I won’t compete with myself for time.
10. Last year was a big year for you. You opened your own practice, SERENDIPITOUS PSYCHOTHERAPY, LLC, in the heart of downtown Chicago. I’m curious, what’s next for you?
My self-help/memoir, “The Adventures of Recovery: A mother and psychotherapist’s journey through healing and guiding,” is completed, in the editing phase, and expected to be released this summer.
11. I am touched by your philosophy: “Life is tough, none of us go through this world unscathed. What’s helped me the most through my struggles has been learning about other people’s stories and how they got through it.” I Admire U Kelley, whose story do you admire?
There are 2 women I’ve admired throughout my professional career who I had the honor of meeting around the same time in 2015. Not only are they professional role models but they are also warriors, live a life of balance, integrity, and authenticity. I admire Dr. Claudia Black, author, speaker, and clinical architect of The Claudia Black Center and Dr. Kim Dennis, CEO and Medical Director of Timberline Knolls. They too share their stories nationally to help inspire others to live their best life. I look forward to reconnecting at a conference we’ll all be at in March.
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